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What? Marriage Books That Guys Can Read?

  • December 31, 2009 at 10:15 pm

Author: Dave Pipitone

What? Marriage books just for guys? Most anyone would agree that reading and connecting with others is a woman’s thing. It’s natural for many wives to be into relationship. Women love to cuddle up with a book and then with their husbands. But what about the man? How do husbands learn to enjoy a more loving and satisfying marital relationship without decades of counseling?

Perhaps the wisest marriage counseling and advice spring from the experiences of others who have studied, observed, and worked with others to improve marriages throughout the years. Some of the premier marriage books are written from the discoveries found through research and observation. As a wife or husband, you can impact your marriage to become happier and more fulfilling by finding this precious information and applying it to your marriage relationship.

The good news is that seasoned experts have published a number of new marriage books 2007 about improving marriage relationships.

Take for instance, the “tell it like it is” book from Robert Mark and Jane Alter, “Good Husband, Great Marriage.” A man’s man who once refereed hockey, Robert Alter has counseled marriage couples for more than 20 years. During that time, he discovered that men are the ones who can mess up the marriage relationship, much more than women. This is not surprising, since boys who are competitive in sports and adopt a domination mindset over girls, grow into men who do struggle treating women with respect. Boys and men are not raised to relate in complementary ways, they have to learn about relationships from women.

This book is written for guys by a guy who had to learn the hard way. Robert Alter credits his wife Jane with teaching him how to love, honor and respect her as a person. This book is easy to read, has lots of humor and funny stories. Most of the chapters are only two or three pages long and include an action item at the end of the chapter. This is a must read for all men (and their wives) to stop disrespect and direct their energy to building the marriage of their dreams.

Another new book is Drs. John and Julie Gottman’s, “Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage.” Dr. John Gottman has studied marriages in his “love lab” for more than 20 years by observing how people approach each other when they communicate. He has become so proficient at observing a couples interaction, he can tell within five minutes with 90 percent plus accuracy, whether a couple will get divorced eventually.

In his new book, the Gottmans tell ten stories of different couples and the lessons you can learn without having to go through the trouble they did. Chapters include lessons on lack of talking, overwork, affairs, being distant and irritable, no passion and more. The foundational book by the Gottmans is “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” which helps married couples understand and relate to each other in more loving ways.

If you have a Christian marriage, you may prefer the series of marriage relationship books by Gary Chapman. The newest book by Dr. Chapman published in 2007 is “The Four Seasons of Marriage,” which describes the different seasons of marriage that husband and wives encounter during their lives. Let’s face it. Time marches on and things change, including people. Is your marriage in the Spring or Summer mode? Fall or winter?

This book can help you find out. And, you can learn seven strategies to strengthen or improve your Christian marriage: dealing with past failures, choosing a winning attitude, learning to speak your spouse’s love language, using the power of empathic listening, experiencing the joy of helping your spouse succeed, maximizing, not minimizing your differences and implementing the power of positive influence.

Dr. Chapman’s best selling work is “The Five Love Languages,” which shows five different ways that people perceive they are being loved and how they expect to be loved. Those five languages include: receiving gifts, acts of service, kind or encouraging words, quality time and physical touch. Every man and woman is different, so a husband’s desire for kind words contrasts with his wife’s desire to receive gifts. If you know what your partner wants, then by all means give him or her the love in the way he or she wants it.

In conclusion, reading the right marriage books can help guys get it right – the easy way. Why make it harder when experienced and wise people understand what it takes to live happily ever after. Just read one of their books and learn from them.

About the Author:

Dave Pipitone is a professional communicator, spiritual entrepreneur, dedicated husband and father. For more information on building a stronger marriage where men can love, honor and respect their wives, visit www.songofourmarriage.com.

Article Source: ArticlesBase.com – What? Marriage Books That Guys Can Read?

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Second Marriage Pitfall #3: Help! Suddenly It’s My First Marriage All Over Again!

  • December 31, 2009 at 5:14 pm

Author: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.

Getting married is a celebration of love and commitment. That holds true for a second marriage as well as a first. It’s a way of saying, “It’s just you and me, from here on out.” But second marriages can have different meanings for different people. An unacknowledged pressure to “get it right this time” may sit coiled beneath the celebration.

When you remarry there is the unspoken reality that you’ve unsuccessfully traveled this road before. It’s no secret that this is your second (or third) marriage. You may notice some of the wedding gifts aren’t as thoughtful this time around. (“After all, we figured you made out pretty well the first time.”) And don’t be surprised to hear a few long-distance friends gripe about the price of gas as they decline the wedding invitation.

When your second marriage resembles your first—Don’t Panic

Despite your best efforts to avoid comparisons, at times you may find yourself envisioning your new spouse side-by-side with your old one. Such comparisons may elevate your appreciation for the person you now share a bathroom with. After all, don’t you feel lucky to have fallen in love a second time? Many people never find that special someone. You’ve been fortunate enough to find this person—twice.

The reasons why your first marriage didn’t last are etched on your memory. Even if you remain cordial with your first spouse, the end of that relationship is something you’d rather forget. One thing is certain: Your second marriage would easily win the Best Marriage of the Century award when compared to your first. This is especially the case when you’re in the first two years of your second marriage. During this time, infatuation, excitement and passion are mind-altering experiences that are part of the magic of this new marriage. And this magic creates a blissful orbit around you and your spouse. Within this orbit, life is pretty great. Despite the necessity of adjusting to living with someone new, conflicts and lapses in communication are easily resolved—and easily overlooked. The stresses of the world that ate away at your first marriage seem unable to penetrate your marriage this time around.

Marriage experts have used terms like idealization and expansion to describe this exciting time in your relationship.

But then something begins to shift. As your second marriage moves through time, you need to say goodbye to this blissful orbit and move toward a more balanced (more realistic) marital environment. This transition can feel like a fall from grace (or a kick in the solar plexus, the kind that knocks the wind out of you). Instead of understanding that crash as a natural progression in your marriage, you might link it to the troubles that plagued your first marriage. It is at this point that the contours of your second marriage can begin to feel like your previous marriage. Disillusioned, you questionyour decision to remarry. You may begin hearing yourself say: “She’s just like my first wife!”; or “I should have known: men are all alike!”; or even “I’m the most unlucky person in the world.”

Rather than experience this transition for what it really is—a natural progression in your relationship that needs to be understood and worked through—you may feel overwhelmed by the thought of enduring more pain and what feels like another ill-fated marriage. Feeling stuck, you may envision two equally miserable futures: Cut your losses and go through another painful divorce or stay stuck in a second marriage that will be no better than the first.

Why you should step on the decision-making brakes

At this point, your second marriage is vulnerable and you should delay any decision to dissolve the marriage (assuming, of course that there is no emotional or physical abuse). Why? Because research shows that this stage of disillusionment and disappointment is just that, a stage, with a beginning and an end. Seeing this period of your second marriage clearly can give you the awareness needed to withstand and then move past this sticky point.

Your attitude can make all the difference in how this stage of your second marriage gets resolved. Envisioning your second marriage as a sailboat can help. On this boat you and your partner will need to work together in order to adjust the sails whenever the unpredictable winds change the direction of your travel. It is the marital teamwork that will give your relationship the strength it needs to travel in the direction you and your spouse desire—even when the winds won’t cooperate.

About the Author:

Is your relationship worth protecting? Is your marriage everything it can be?

Visit http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/
and sign up for the Relationship Toolbox Newsletter to discover ways to protect your most valued asset. You will also receive two free reports loaded with information about how to strengthen your relationship.

Rich Nicastro, Ph.D. is a relationship expert who is passionate about helping couples reach their full relationship potential.

Article Source: ArticlesBase.com – Second Marriage Pitfall #3: Help! Suddenly It’s My First Marriage All Over Again!

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Marriage & Relationship Maintenance

  • December 30, 2009 at 4:18 pm

Author: siddhartha pandey

Marriage & Relationship Maintenance

Marriage is an interpersonal relationship with governmental, social, or religious recognition, usually intimate and sexual, and often created as a contract, or through civil process. Civil marriage is the legal concept of marriage.

The most common form of marriage unites a man and a woman as husband and wife. Other forms of marriage also exist; for example, polygamy, in which a person takes more than one spouse (marriage partner), is common in many societies.Beginning in 2001, civil marriage in some places has been expanded to include same-sex marriage.

The reasons people marry vary, but usually include one or more of the following: legal, social and economic stability; the formation of a family unit; procreation and the education and nurturing of children; legitimizing sexual relations; public declaration of love.

A marriage is often declared by a wedding ceremony,which may be performed by a religious officiator, through a similar government-sanctioned secular officiator, or (in weddings that have no church or state affiliation) by a trusted friend of the wedding participants. The act of marriage usually creates obligations between the individuals involved, and in many societies, their extended families.

Find a partner

In order to get married, it is necessary to find a suitable partner. A partner may be found by the person wishing to be married via a process of courtship. Alternately, two marriage-able people may be matched by a third party, typically with the match finalized only if both candidates approve the union. This is known as an arranged marriage.

The choice between courtship and arranged marriage is made by the person seeking marriage or by his or her parents. In some cases, the parents will be ready to force an arranged marriage because of cultural tradition (e.g., in the Middle East) or for some other special reason (e.g., dowry). It is worth noting, however, that in many cases the person seeking marriage is comfortable with having his or her marriage arranged and, even disregarding parental preference, would freely choose an arranged marriage. Actual forced marriage is common in only a few communities and often attracts harsh criticism even from people who are generally in favor of arranged marriage.

Given a choice, the preference for the method of courtship or arranged marriage is determined by whether a person believes that marriage should be based on emotion or logic. At one end of the scale is a person who believes that there is only one unique “soul mate” suitable for them. A partner is typically chosen based on the depth of emotional connection experienced with their partner during the courtship phase of the relationship. At the other end of the scale is a person who believes that there are many suitable partners, and typically views marriage chiefly as a means to start a family. The deep emotional bond between partners characteristic of good marriages is more likely to be viewed as something which can be developed through nurture and cultivation with any suitable partner. Most people fall somewhere between these two extremes.

Rights and obligations

Marriage sometimes establishes the legal father of a woman’s child; establishes the legal mother of a man’s child; gives the husband or his family control over the wife’s sexual services, labor, and/or property; gives the wife or her family control over the husband’s sexual services, labor, and/or property; establishes a joint fund of property for the benefit of children; or establishes a relationship between the families of the husband and wife. No society ascribes all of these rights to marriage, and none are universal (see Edmund Leach’s article in “Marriage, Family, and Residence,” edited by Paul Bohannan and John Middleton).

Marriage is not a prerequisite for having children. In the U.S., the National Center for Health Statistics reported that in 1992, 30.1 percent of births were to unmarried women. Some married couples remain childless by choice or due to infertility, age, or other factors preventing reproduction. In some cultures, marriage imposes upon women the obligation to bear children. In northern Ghana, for example, payment of bridewealth signifies a woman’s requirement to bear children, and women using birth control face substantial threats of physical abuse and reprisals.

Most of the world’s major religions tell couples they should marry before having sexual intercourse.They teach that unmarried people should not have sex, which they refer to as fornication. Fornication is sometimes socially discouraged or even criminalized. Sex with a married person other than one’s spouse, called adultery, is universally condemned by all major world religions, and has often been criminalized. It is also against the governing law of the U.S. military. Nevertheless, three recent studies in the U.S. using nationally representative samples have found that about 10-15% of women and 20-25% of men engage in extramarital sex.

Relationship Maintenance

Relationship maintenance comprises behaviors partners perform in order to maintain satisfaction and extend the duration of a relationship.

The impact of open marriage on relationships varies across couples, yielding positive, neutral, and negative outcomes. Some couples report high levels of marital satisfaction and have long-lasting open marriages. Other couples drop out of the open marriage lifestyle and return to sexual monogamy. Still other couples experience serious problems and report that open marriage contributed to their divorces. Scientists do not yet understand why some couples respond positively to open marriage while other couples respond negatively.

Scientists cannot yet explain why some couples respond positively to open marriage while other couples respond negatively. Nor can they predict which couples will respond positively or negatively. Consequently, all couples involved in open marriages may want to pay attention to their relationship maintenance behaviors.

The topic of relationship maintenance behaviors is far too broad to cover in a single article. The strategies for maintaining relationships described below are simply a few examples. Readers should be aware there are many strategies for maintaining healthy and happy relationships other than the ones mentioned here.

Six ground rules for managing conflict and maintaining good marital relationships:

• When conflict is escalating, we will call a Time Out or Stop Action and either (a) try it again, using the Speaker-Listener technique or (b) agree to talk about the issue later, at a specified time, using the Speaker-Listener technique.

• When we’re having trouble communicating, we will use the Speaker-Listener technique.

• When we’re using the Speaker-Listener technique, we will completely separate problem discussion from problem solution (i.e., we will discuss the nature of the problem before jumping too quickly to finding solutions).

• We can bring up issues at any time, but a partner can say: “This is not a good time.” If a partner doesn’t want to talk at that time, he or she takes responsibility for setting up a time to talk in the near future.

• We will have weekly “couple’s meetings.”

• We will make time for the great things: fun, friendship, and sensuality. We will agree to protect these times from conflict and the need to deal with issues.

The Speaker-Listener technique is a strategy for making communication more emotionally safe. It consists of three sets of rules. Rules that apply to both the Speaker and the Listener are:

• The speaker has the floor.

• Share the floor (i.e., take turns being Speaker).

• No problem solving.

The next set of rules apply to the Speaker:

• Speak for yourself.

• Don’t go on and on.

• Stop and let the listener paraphrase.

The final set of rules apply to the Listener:

• Paraphrase what you hear.

• Focus on the speaker’s message.

• Don’t rebut the speaker.

Using the Speaker-Listener technique in the context of the six ground rules can help couples maintain happier and longer-lasting relationships. Further readres can find more golden rules for a happy and successful marriage at www.vivahkalash.com , a matrimonial website which provides a healthy platform to it’s subscribers to find out the best possible match. The vivahkalash is a fastest growing matrimonial community in India and other countries like US, UAE, UK, Canada and Pakistan with subscribers base of more than 1 million.

To your happy & successful marriage life

Siddhartha Pandey

About the Author:

Siddhartha Pandey
CEO – Xpertz Info Solutions (P) Ltd.
252 Lekhraj Gold, Munshipulia, Indira Nagar
Lucknow – 226016 (UP), India

website:- http://www.vivahkalash.com

Article Source: ArticlesBase.com – Marriage & Relationship Maintenance

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Six Obstacles To Consent That Need To Be Overcome For A Successful Marriage

  • December 30, 2009 at 4:17 pm

Author: Gerald Mason

Marriage is the most important act in the life of the majority of men and women. When it is a good marriage, it brings men and women to the fullness of the life God intended for them.

The difference is this: in the first case, the existence of any contract is denied; in the second case, the existence of a contract is admitted, and the contract is made, even though at the very moment of making the contract one has every intention of violating it.

Is it only a pleasant companionship which may not survive the trials and tribulations of family life? No one can hope to realize the full fruits of a good marriage without first understanding what marriage is.

Many erroneous notions regarding marriage are still being circulated these days, particularly in reference to its permanence and its obligations. The reason for these errors is the failure to recognize the sacredness of marriage. Marriage is not, as some seem to think, a legalizing of sexual relationships between a man and a woman. It is, instead, a relationship established by God Himself primarily for the generation and education of children. The very name “Matrimony” signifies this: it comes from two Latin words. matris munus. meaning “the office of motherhood” or “the duty of the mother,” which duty is the generation and education of new life.
What Is Marriage?

Marriage is an institution as old as the human race itself. It started in the Garden of Eden with our first parents. God blessed Adam and Eve: “Increase and multiply and fill the earth” (Gen. 1:28); and God’s fundamental laws with regard to marriage are well expressed by Adam: “Wherefore, a man shall leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they shall be two in one flesh” (Gen. 2:24).

Thus, marriage can be defined as a lifelong union between a man and a woman who are lawfully capable of giving irrevocably to each other the right to acts necessary for the generation and education of children, mutually obliging themselves to a common way of life in order to work out their eternal salvation. Among the baptized, every true marriage is, in itself and by itself, a sacrament instituted by Christ to produce grace.

The most essential factor in marriage, of course, is the contract. A contract is an agreement between two parties, each assenting to give something to the other or to do something for the other for a definite length of time. There cannot be a contract without the free consent of both parties.

There are six obstacles to consent.

1. Lack of the use of reason, infants, the seriously mentally ill, the intoxicated, the drugged, the hypnotized cannot give true consent.

2. Defective knowledge. In order to give consent, the person must
know the essentials – that marriage is a permanent union of a man and a woman for the purpose of procreating children. He must know that this requires bodily cooperation of husband and wife. After puberty, it is presumed that the person knows these basic facts. It is not necessary that he know all the biological mechanisms involved in the sex act, conception, pregnancy, and birth.

3. Mistaken identity. If you “marry” one person but thought that
you were marrying another (his twin, for example) there is no true consent.

4. Pretense. People who say “I will” while acting out a marriage on the stage or in a movie are, of course, not married. There is no intention of getting married and, hence, no true consent.

But if a person is a bride or groom in a real wedding ceremony, his external consent by saying “I will” is taken as evidence of true internal consent. He would have great difficulty trying to prove later that he said “I will” but did not really mean it.

5. Force or fear. Canon Law is specific on this matter, saying that “invalid is a marriage entered into through force or grave fear unjustly inspired from without, such that in order to escape from it, a party is compelled to choose marriage. No other fear, even if it furnish the cause for the contract, entails the nullity of marriage” (Canon 1087).

If you are forced into a marriage by a force that cannot be resisted, you have not given true consent. There is no marriage in such a case.

What about fear? Notice the conditions. It must be grave or serious fear. It must come from without, that is, from some other person. It must be unjust. Finally, it must be fear of such a nature that the only way to escape it is to marry. If fear fulfills all these conditions, it results in forced consent and there is no marriage.

6. Intention contrary to the essence of marriage. If one or both parties would deny that marriage really is a contract binding on both parties, or that marriage gives the right to sexual intercourse, the marriage would be invalid, because denial would indicate a failure to understand what marriage really is. You certainly are not making a contract when you do not believe there is a contract.

And you are not making a contract involving sexual intercourse as one of the things promised if you do not believe that sexual intercourse is one of the things promised. But, as we have defined, marriage is a contract involving promise of sexual intercourse.

However, if one or both have the intention of not having children, or of refusing sexual intercourse,. or of not fulfilling other duties, the marriage is valid. It is considered that they freely accept and consent to the married state but are not willing to fulfill its duties.

When it fails, it leaves behind a trail of faded hopes and dreams and broken lives. For those who are planning marriage, therefore, it is vitally important that they know what marriage really is. Certainly no one can find the secret of successful marriage without first having a clear understanding of what marriage is.

Is it merely a civil contract, entered into by a man and woman mainly for companionship and social and material security? Is it the result of a purely physical attraction, thoughtlessly embarked upon in the full bloom of youthful ardor?

About the Author:
Download Free Books On Dating & Weddings: Free Dating & Wedding Books http://www.greatpublications.com/date.htm

Article Source: ArticlesBase.com – Six Obstacles To Consent That Need To Be Overcome For A Successful Marriage

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Three Easy Tips to Help Build a Happy Marriage

  • December 30, 2009 at 3:58 pm

Author: Dr. Isabella Santorini

It is part of the popular culture to make fun of how poorly marriages work. If I had a nickel for the number of times I’ve heard people complain about their spouses, I’d be an obscenely wealthy woman. Sometimes comments are made in jest, but usually, they’re tinged with a degree of hopelessness and suffering.

This does not need to be the case. My husband and I have been married for over twelve years. The first several years were difficult. But then, we searched for experts in marriage from which to learn. Since that time, our marriage has flowered into a powerful, harmonious partnership. Today, we’re more in love than ever and we’re enjoying the fruits of our labor in creating a great marriage.

Here are several tips to help you build a happy marriage. I hope they will help you as much as they helped us. Before you go on, here’s a hint about this information: Let it sink in. The things we’ve learned are powerful and become more so the more you work with them. Let them slowly re-train you to think about your marriage differently.

Tip #1 to Build a Happy Marriage: Grow Personally – Weren’t we suppose to be talking about marriage? Yes, we were. But a happy marriage begins with happy people. Many people aren’t happy in their lives and they expect a marriage to make them happy. This is not a healthy expectation. Marriage cannot make an unhappy person happy. It just can’t. And the more we rely on marriage to do that, the more we’ll destroy our marriage with unrealistic expectations.

Each spouse in a marriage needs to take on living a happy life and bringing happiness to the marriage. The best way to do this is to take on growing as a person. I’ve found that usually, one spouse takes this one first, then the other follows. If you’re the one to start the ball rolling in this arena, don’t complain. Someone has to start, it might as well be you. Another time, your spouse will initiate the positive action.

Begin by improving an aspect of your life that is important to you, then go on to whatever is next. Soon, you’ll find that your spouse is inspired to do the same thing.

Tip #2 to Build a Happy Marriage – Realize that You Don’t Need Your Spouse – What? Am I crazy? No. I’m not crazy. You don’t need one another. You already have all that you need. The silly saying of “you complete me” gives off the wrong impression. We’re each complete. Can you imagine what a setup this “you complete me” expectation is for a marriage? This often puts one spouse into the position of neediness and the other spouse in a position of obligation. Powerful marriages are built on something other than the needy/obligated model.

Any strong marriage, that takes on the proportions of true partnership, must go through a phase where each spouse realizes that they are strong people, able of creating a great life for themselves. This puts the marriage into the context of something that we freely choose to do, rather than a net that we’re caught up in. When we realize this, we become more responsible for creating our marriage. When this occurs, we’re generous, forgiving, and compassionate because we choose to be in the relationship.

Tip #3 to Build a Happy Marriage – Be Disciplined About What You Think About – Most of us carry around our worries and concerns so that they are foremost in our minds at all times. When this is the case, days can go by when we don’t even notice our spouse at more than a superficial level. When this happens, people remark that they become roommates with their spouse and they don’t love each other any more. This is not because they really don’t love one another, it is often because they haven’t put any concentrated effort into spending conscious time with each other.

Upon the advice of our marriage expert, my husband and I practiced putting aside our worries of the day each evening when we’d spend time together. At first, this was difficult and we found that there were certain issues that we couldn’t let go of. When this was the case, we’d have to deal with those issues in a timely manner and then, we could go back to really enjoying our time together.

As we got better, it became natural for us to enjoy each other’s company. We made it a point to spend time developing our relationship and creating a strong marriage, rather than relying on simply living in the same house to keep us together.

About the Author:

Dr. Isabella Santorini used to have a marriage that was fine, but it certainly wasn’t fantastic. She learned about creating a great marriage from a master at marriage. Since then, her relationship with her husband has flowered into a powerful partnership. Learn from the person who taught Dr. Isabella:
http://mbguevara.savemarria.hop.clickbank.net/?tid=SMM10

Article Source: ArticlesBase.com – Three Easy Tips to Help Build a Happy Marriage

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